I learned I’m on the spectrum

… and in this article I want to elaborate on it. :)

My whole life, I knew there was something different about me. I’ve never been successful at talking to others. I wanted to fit in but never quite succeeded. When I was young, people called me a little professor. Even banal things caused me problems, like getting up from a chair without tripping over a table leg, getting distracted by even the slightest sound, or becoming furious when I saw any kind of injustice, no matter how small.

There were other issues as well, and when I tried to address them, my psychologist told me off, saying I was just making these problems up for attention. From then on, I started blaming myself a lot, and it put me in a dark place.

What led me to wondering if I’m on the spectrum was a series of coincidences. As I learned more about it, I was shocked to see how accurately it fit everything that had been happening in my life. My suspicion was confirmed by an official diagnosis, and it was such a relief.

Of course, I’ll be facing the same problems over and over again. But this time I’ll accept them as facts, knowing that I’m simply a stranger in a world that doesn’t speak my language, and try to be more compassionate toward myself. If I encounter any limitations now, I’ll give different alternatives a try, like giving myself more time or asking for help, instead of turning to remorse and getting swallowed by anxiety.

I also know now that what works for neurotypicals can actually harm me. Sometimes I come across people whose advice is to engage in unpleasant, challenging things to make common problems seem small and unimportant. Sure, it may work for some, but if I try, I just melt down.

After all, most self-development books are written for the “normal”, right? That’s why I decided to focus on books written by autistic people for autistic people. They contain tips that actually help. I plan to post more about that.